The books walks us through the three fundamentals of handling people, the six ways to make people like you, the twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking, and the nine ways to change people without arousing resentment.
I – FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
If You Want To Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive
People don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong they may be. When we criticize people, they become defensive and they will strive to justify themselves. Criticism wounds a person’s precious pride hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment. As much as we crave approval, we dread condemnation.
It’s human nature to blame everybody but themselves. The person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself and condemn us in return. Or they would use the words of gentle Taft: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.” Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.
Story – Abraham Lincoln – Battle of Gettysburg – Lincoln
Time after time, during the Civil War, Lincoln put a new general at the head of the Army of the Potomac, and each one in turn—McClellan, Pope, Burnside, Hooker, Meade—blundered tragically and drove Lincoln to despair. Half the nation condemned these incompetent generals, but Lincoln, “with malice toward none, with charity for all,” held his peace. One of his favourite quotes was, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” When others spoke harshly, Lincoln replied: “Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”
The Battle of Gettysburg was fought on July, 1-3, 1863. During the night of July 4, Lee began to retreat southward while storm clouds deluged the country with rain. When Lee reached the Potomac with his defeated army, he found a swollen, impassable river in front of him, and a victorious Union Army behind him. Lee was in a trap. He couldn’t escape. Lincoln saw that. Here was a golden, heaven-sent opportunity to capture Lee’s army and end the war immediately. Lincoln telegraphed his orders and sent a messenger to Meade asking not to call a council of war but to attack Lee immediately. What did General Meade do? He called a council of war in direct violation of Lincoln’s orders. He hesitated/procrastinated and refused point blank to attack Lee. Finally, the waters receded, and Lee escaped over the Potomac with his forces. Lincoln was furious, “We had them within our grasp, and had only to stretch forth our hands and they were ours; yet nothing that I could say or do could make the army move. Under the circumstances almost any general could have defeated Lee. If I had gone up there, I could have whipped him myself.”
Lincoln wrote a letter to Meade expressing his frustration of how we could have easily ended the war had we captured Lee. Even though Lincoln wrote it he never posted it. Lincoln may have thought it’s easy for me to sit here in the quiet of the White House and order Meade to attack. But if I had been in Gettysburg and had seen as much blood as Meade and if my ears had been pierced with the screams and shrieks of the wounded and dying maybe I wouldn’t have attacked either. If I send this letter, it would relieve my feelings but it would make Meade to justify his position.
When dealing with people, let’s remember that we are not dealing with creatures of logic but with creatures of emotion, creatures with prejudices, pride and vanity. God himself, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days. Why should you and I?
Principle 1 – Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
The Big Secret of Dealing with People
The deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important”/”the desire to be great”. Human nature craves to be appreciated.
- It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study the law books he found in the bottom of a household plunder that he bought for fifty cents. His name is Lincoln.
- It was this desire for a feeling of importance that inspired Dickens to write his immortal novels.
- It was this desire that inspired Sir Christopher Wren to design his symphonies in stone.
- It was this desire that made the richest family in your town to build a house far too large for its requirements.
Why do some people who have perfect brain tissues go insane? All though it’s not clear, many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality. Life once wrecked all their dream ships on the sharp rocks of reality; but in the dreamland of insanity, in its sunny, fantasy isles, they gain their feeling of importance that was denied to them.
The average person, when they don’t like a thing, they bawl out their subordinates, if they do like it they say nothing. As the old couplet says, “Once I did bad and that I heard ever/Twice I did good and that I heard never.”
Andrew Carnegie praised his assistants publicly and privately. Here is the epitaph he wrote for himself, where he praised his assistants even in his tombstone. “Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself:”
Appreciation and Flattery: Appreciation is sincere, flattery is insincere. Appreciation is unselfish, flattery is selfish. Appreciation is universally admired; flattery is universally condemned. Appreciation comes from the heart out, flattery from the teeth out. Don’t be afraid of enemies that attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you. Flattery seldom works, it usually fails. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else. All human beings hunger for appreciation, try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips.
When working with people let’s stop thinking about our accomplishments and our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s points.
Principle 2 : Give honest and sincere appreciation.
He Who Can Do This Has The Whole World With Him. HE Who Cannot Walks A Lonely Way
When I went fishing, although I loved strawberries and cream, I didn’t bait the hook with it. Instead, I used worms. Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people? It was necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish. Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Of course, you are eternally interested in what you want. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.
If you want to persuade somebody to do something, before you speak, pause and ask yourself, “How can I make this person want to do it?”
Story – Dale Carnegie – Grand Ballroom Rental Increase
There was a time when I rented the grand ballroom of a New York hotel for 20 nights each season to hold lectures. One day I got a letter in the mail informing me that the rent had gone up by three times. The tickets had already been printed and distributed, and I didn’t want to pay the increase. So, I decided to go to see the manager and talk to him about what he wanted and not what I wanted.
I was a bit shocked when I got your letter, I said, but I don’t blame you at all. If I had been in your position, I should probably have written a similar letter myself. Your duty as a manager is to make all the profit possible. If you don’t do that, you will be fired, and I understand. Then I took a letterhead and ran a line through the center and headed one column, “Advantages” and the other column, “Disadvantages” that will accrue if you increase the rent. Under the Advantages section, I wrote Ballroom free. You can now rent the ballroom for dances and conventions. I understand that affairs like those would fetch you more money than renting the space for lectures. In the disadvantages section, I wrote, instead of increasing the rent, you are going to decrease it, in fact you are going to wipe it out because I cannot pay the rent you are asking. There’s another disadvantage, These lectures attract crowds of educated and cultured people to your hotel. That is good advertising for you, isn’t it? In fact, if you spent five thousand dollars advertising in the newspapers, you couldn’t bring as many people to look at your hotel as I bring by these lectures. That is worth a lot to a hotel, isn’t it?
I left the paper back to the manager, saying: “I wish you would carefully consider both the advantages and disadvantages that are going to accrue to you and then give me your final decision.” I received a letter the next day informing me that my rent would go up by 50% instead of 300%. I got this reduction without saying a word about what I wanted. I talked all the time about what the other person wanted. Suppose I had done the natural human thing and stormed into his office and said “What do you mean by raising my rent three hundred percent when you know the tickets have been printed and the announcements made? Three hundred percent! Ridiculous! Absurd! I won’t pay it!” What would have happened then? An argument would have begun to steam, boil and sputter. I would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in.
Henry Ford : “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So, the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. The people who can put themselves in the place of other people need not worry about what the future has in store for them.
When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves? They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.
Principle 3 : Arouse in the other person an eager want.
II – WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere
The dog is the greatest winner of friends, the world has ever known. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you. And you know that there are no ulterior motives. The dog makes his living by showing nothing but love.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
Story – Charles R. Walters was assigned to prepare a confidential report on a certain corporation. He went into the president’s office to gather information. As he was ushered in a young women stuck her head into the president’s door and told the president that she didn’t have stamps for him that day. The president told Walters that he is collecting stamps for his 12-year-old son. When Mr. Walters started asking questions, the president was vague, general, and nebulous. He didn’t want to talk, and apparently, nothing could persuade him to talk. The interview was brief and barren. Then it occurred to Mr. Walters that the president was collecting stamps for his son. He also recalled that the foreign department of his bank collected stamps. The next afternoon, Mr. Walters called on this man and sent word that he had some stamps for his boy. He was then ushered with great enthusiasm. The president couldn’t have shaken my hand with more enthusiasm if he had been running for Congress. He radiated smiles and goodwill. ‘My George will love this one,’ he kept saying as he fondled the stamps. ‘And look at this! This is a treasure.’ “We spent half an hour talking stamps and looking at a picture of his boy, and he then devoted more than an hour of his time to giving me every bit of information I wanted—without my even suggesting that he do it. He told me all he knew and then called in his subordinates and questioned them.
If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind:
Principle 1—Become genuinely interested in other people.
A Simple Way To Make A Good First Impression
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
The effect of a smile is powerful even when it is unseen. Did you know that even when you are speaking to someone on a telephone when you smile, your smile comes through in your voice? People who smile tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively and raise happier children.
Abraham Lincoln said, “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” I have seen just as many happy faces among the poor peasants toiling with their primitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as I have seen in air-conditioned offices in New York.
Your smile is a messenger of your goodwill. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. When someone is under pressure from his bosses, customers, parents, or children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless. There is joy in the world.
Principle 2 – Smile.
If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble
The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
Story – Andrew Carnegie – The Steel King
The hundreds of people working for Andrew Carnegie knew more about steel than he did. But he knew how to handle people. That’s what got him rich. When he was a boy in Scotland, he got hold of a mother rabbit, Presto. He soon had a whole nest of little rabbits and nothing to feed them. He had a brilliant idea. He told the boys and girls in the neighbourhood that if they would go out and pull enough dandelions to feed the rabbits, he would name the bunnies in their honour. Years later, he applied the same psychology in business. For example, he wanted to sell steel rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad. J. Edgar Thomson was the president of the Pennsylvania railroad then. So Andrew Carnegie built a huge steel mill in Pittsburgh and called it Edgar Thomson Steel Works. When the railroad needed steel rails, where do you suppose J. Edgar Thomson bought them? He bought it from the steel king Carnegie.
Here is another example. The Central Transportation company Carnegie controlled was fighting with the company that Pullman owned. Both were struggling to get the sleeping-car business of the Union Pacific Railroad, bucking each other, slashing prices and destroying all chance of profit. Both Carnegie and Pullman had gone to New York to see the board of directors of Union Pacific. Carnegie proposed to Pullman of a merger. He pictured in glowing terms the mutual advantages of working with, instead of against each other. Pullam listened attentively, but he was not wholly convinced. When Pullman asked what would you call the new company? Carnegie replied: Why, the Pullman Palace Car Company, of course. Pullman’s face brightened. He invited him to his room to talk it over. That talk made industrial history. This policy of remembering and honoring the names of his friends and business associates was one of the secrets of Andrew Carnegie’s leadership. People are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate them at any cost.
Napolean the Third, Emperor of France and nephew of the great Napolean, boasted that in spite of his royal duties, he could remember the name of every person he met. His technique was simple. If he didn’t hear the name distinctly, he said, ” So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” Then if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it spelled?” During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name several times and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s features, expression and general appearance.
The name sets the individual apart, it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others. All this takes time and effort, but good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.
Principle 3 – Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
An Easy Way To Become A Good Conversationalist
Story – Conversation with a botonist
I met a distinguished botanist at a dinner party, and I found him fascinating. I literally sat on the edge of my chair and listened while he spoke of exotic plants. When the dinner party ended, he told the hosts that I was the most stimulating and most interesting conversationalist. I had hardly said anything. I had done this by listening intently and showing genuine interest in what the person said. It’s the highest compliment we can pay anyone. I told him that I had been immensely entertained and instructed, and I had. I told him I wished I had his knowledge, and I did. I told him that I would love to wander the fields with him, and I have. I told him I must see him again and I did. I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk.
Even the most violent critic will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener – a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system. People fail to make a favourable impression because they don’t listen attentively. They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open. People prefer good listeners to good talkers.
If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
Principle 4 – Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
How To Interest People
Everyone who was ever a guest of Theodore Roosevelt was astonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge. Roosevelt knew what to say whether it be a cowboy, a New York politician or a diplomat. How did he do it? Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested. Roosevelt knew the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures the most.
Story – Mr. Duvernoy had been trying to sell bread to a certain New York Hotel. He called on the manager every week for four years. But he failed to get the business. Mr. Duvernoy decided to change his tactics. He decided to find out what interested this man and what caught his enthusiasm. He found out that he belonged to a society of hotel executives called the Hotel Greeters of America. He was also the president of the organization. So when Duvernoy met him the next time, he talked only about the Greeters. The manager spoke to him for half an hour, his tones vibrant with enthusiasm. He could see that this society was his passion. I spoke nothing about my bread this time. A few days later, the steward of his hotel phoned him to come over with samples and prices. The steward greeted him, saying, I am not sure what you did, but he sure is sold on you. Think of it! I had been drumming at that man for four years, trying to get his business, and I’d still be drumming at him if I hadn’t finally taken the trouble to find out what he was interested in and what he enjoyed talking about.
Principle 5 – Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
How To Make People Like You Instantly
Always make the other person feel important. You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want a feeling that you are important in your little world. You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation. So let’s obey the Golden Rule and give unto others what we would have others give unto us, How? When? Where? The answer is: All the time, everywhere.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT – Each person you meet are equally important.
Story – Landscape Architect
I was landscaping the estate of a famous attorney. The owner came out to give me a few instructions about where he wished to plant a mass of rhododendrons and azaleas. I said, ‘Judge, you have a lovely hobby. I’ve been admiring your beautiful dogs. I understand you win a lot of blue ribbons every year at the show in Madison Square Garden.’ The effect of this little expression of appreciation was striking. Yes, the judge replied, ‘I do have a lot of fun with my dogs. Would you like to see my kennel?’ He spent almost an hour showing me his dogs and the prizes they had won. He even brought out their pedigrees and explained about the bloodlines responsible for such beauty and intelligence. Finally, turning to me, he asked: ‘Do you have any small children?’ I replied that I had a son.
‘Well, wouldn’t he like a puppy?’ the judge inquired. Oh, yes, he’d be tickled pink. ‘All right, I’m going to give him one,’ the judge announced. He started to tell me how to feed the puppy. Then he paused. ‘You’ll forget it if I tell you. I’ll write it out.’ So, the judge went in the house, typed out the pedigree and feeding instructions, and gave me a puppy worth several hundred dollars and one hour and fifteen minutes of his valuable time, largely because I had expressed my honest admiration for his hobby and achievements.
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance and recognize it sincerely. Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours.
Principle 6—Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
III- HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
You Can’t Win An Argument
Story – I was attending a banquet one night, and a man sitting next to me told a humorous story that hinged on this quotation “There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will.” He mentioned that this quotation is from the Bible. I knew for sure it’s from Shakespeare and not from the Bible. To get a feeling of importance and display my superiority, I appointed myself as an unsolicited and unwelcome committee of one to correct him. He stuck to his guns. What? From Shakespeare? Impossible! Absurd! That quotation was from the Bible. And he knew it. So, the story teller and I decided to submit the question to my old friend who was there. He kicked me under the table, and said, “Dale, you are wrong. The gentleman is correct. It’s from the Bible. On the way home I asked my friend, you knew the quotation is from Shakespeare?” His response was, Yes, of course. Hamlet, Act Five, Scene Two. But we were guests at a festive occasion, my dear Dale. Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him?
There is only one way under high heavens to get the best of an argument, that is to avoid it. You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Let’s suppose you triumph over the man and shoot his argument full of holes, then what? You will feel fine. However, you have made him feel inferior, and you have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” As wise old Ben Franklin used to say: If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s goodwill.
When disagreements occur
- Welcome the disagreements. Remember, “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you have not thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention.
- Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best. Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
- Listen first. Give your opponent time to talk. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
- Always look for areas of agreement. Start with the areas on which you agree. Look for areas where you can admit error. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
- Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully.
- Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Arrange for a new meeting at the end of the day or the next day. Give serious thought to your opponents point. Are they right, or partly right? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
Principle 1—The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
A Sure Way Of Making Enemies – And How To Avoid It
Never begin by announcing, “I am going to prove so and so to you. That’s bad. What you are saying is, “I am smarter than you are, I am going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind.
Alexander Pope: Men must be taught as if you taught them not And things unknown proposed as things forgot.
Lord Chesterfield: Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.
Always start with, I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts. You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
Story – I once employed an interior decorator to make some draperies for my home. I was dismayed when the bill arrived. A few days later a friend arrived and when I mentioned the price, she exclaimed: “What, that’s awful.” It’s true that she spoke the truth but few people like to listen to truths that reflect on their judgement. So being human, I tried to defend myself. I said one can’t expect to get quality and artistic taste at bargain prices. The very next day another friend dropped in and admired the draperies and expressed a wish that she too could afford such exquisite creations for her home. I responded, to tell you the truth I can’t afford myself. I paid too much for it. When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness but if someone else is trying to point out the mistake we resist it.
General Robert E. Lee once spoke to the president of the Confederacy, Jefferson Davis, in the most glowing terms about a certain officer under his command. Another officer in attendance was astonished. “General,” he said, “ do you not know that the man of whom you speak so highly is one of your bitterest enemies who misses no opportunity to malign you?” “Yes,” replied General Lee, “but the president asked my opinion of him; he did not ask for his opinion of me.”
Principle 2—Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
If You’re Wrong, Admit it
If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips? When you are wrong admit it quickly, openly and with enthusiasm. Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say—and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are the other person would take a generous, forgiving attitude and your mistakes will be minimized. By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”
Principle 3—If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
A Drop Of Honey
Story – An engineer wanted his rent reduced. He knew his landlord was hardboiled. He wrote a letter to his landlord saying he is vacating. He didn’t want to vacate however he felt he could stay if he can have the rent reduced. But the other tenants told him that the landlord is extremely difficult to deal with. He then decided on applying the things he learnt from the course on how to deal with people. The landlord and his secretary showed up as he met him at the door he greeted him warmly. He didn’t start off with how high the rent was. Instead he highlighted how much he liked the apartment. He complemented him on the way he ran the building and told him I would love to stay another year but I can’t afford the rent. The landlord had never experienced such a reception from the tenant. He hardly knew what to make of it. He started sharing with him about his experience of the tenants and the troubles he face. One has written him fourteen letters some of them positively insulting. Another threatened to break the lease. He was so happy to see a satisfied tenant. Without the engineer even asking the landlord agreed to reduce the rent a little. The engineer wanted more and when he named the figure he readily agreed. If the engineer would have tried to reduce the rent using the methods the other tenants did, he would have met with the same failure the others encountered. It was the friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach that won. It was this approach that would make people change their minds more readily.
Remember what Lincoln said: “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”
Principle 4—Begin in a friendly way.
The Secret of Socrates
In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing and keep on emphasizing the things on which you agree. If possible make it clear, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.” A “No” response is a most difficult handicap to overcome.
When you have said “No,” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the “No” was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider.
The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of “Yes” responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction.
Principle 5—Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
The Safety Valve In Handling Complaints
Cubellis answered an advertisement calling for a person with unusual ability and experience. He was invited for an interview. He spent hours in Wall Street finding out everything possible about the person who founded the business. During the interview he remarked: “I should be mighty proud to be associated with an organization with a record like yours. I understand you started twenty-eight years ago with nothing but desk room and one stenographer. Is that true?” Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles. This man was no exception. He talked for a long time about how he had started with $450 in cash and an original idea. He told how he had fought against discouragement and battled against ridicule, working Sundays and holidays, twelve to sixteen hours a day; how he had finally won against all odds until now the most important executives on Wall Street were coming to him for information and guidance. He was proud of his achievement and had a splendid time telling about it. Finally he questioned Mr. Cubellis briefly about his experience and then called in one of his VP and said I think this is the person we are looking for. Mr. Cubellis took the trouble to find out the accomplishments of his prospective employer. He showed an interest in the other person and encouraged them to do the talking. He thus created a favourable impression.
Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours. If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you. When our friends excel us they feel important, but when we excel them they are at least some of them will feel inferior and envious.
Principle 6 – Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
How to Get Cooperation
Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions—and let the other person think out the conclusion?
Colonel Edward M. House wielded an enormous influence in national and international affairs while Woodrow Wilson occupied the White House. Wilson leaned upon Colonel House for secret counsel and advice more than he did upon even members of his own cabinet. What method did Colonel use in influencing the President. House revealed, “ ‘After I got to know the President,’ House said, ‘I learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it—so as to get him thinking about it on his own account.
I had been visiting him at the White House and urged a policy on him which he appeared to disapprove. But several days later, at the dinner table, I was amazed to hear him trot out my suggestion as his own.’ “
Did House interrupt him and say, “That’s not your idea. That’s mine” ? Oh, no. Not House. He was too adroit for that. He didn’t care about credit. He wanted results. So he let Wilson continue to feel that the idea was his. House did even more than that. He gave Wilson public credit for these ideas. Let’s remember that everyone we come in contact with is just as human as Woodrow Wilson. So let’s use Colonel House’s technique.
Principle 7 – Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
A Formula that Will Work Wonders For You
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that. If you say to yourself, “How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?” you will save yourself time and irritation, for by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect. Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other persons’ viewpoint. Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.
I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person—from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives—was likely to answer.
Think always in terms of the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own.
Principle 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
What Everybody Wants
Here is the magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively. “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” An answer like that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive. And you can say that and be 100 percent sincere, because if you were the other person you, would feel just as he does.
Take Al Capone for example, if you had inherited the same body and temperament and mind and you had his environment and experiences. You would then be precisely what he was and where he was. It’s those things that made him what he was. Say to yourself: “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”
Story – I once gave a broadcast about an author and got the place where she wrote her immortal books wrong. I got many stinging messages. One lady from Philadelphia vented her scorching wrath upon me. I felt like writing and telling her that although I had made a mistake in geography, she had made a far greater mistake in common courtesy. I realized that any hotheaded fool could do that. So, I resolved to turn her hostility into friendship. “After all, if I were she, I would probably feel just as she does.” I was determined to sympathize with her viewpoint. The next time I was in Philadelphia, I called her on the telephone. Mrs. So-and-So, you wrote me a letter a few weeks ago, and I want to thank you for it. You listened to a broadcast I gave about Louisa May Alcott a few Sundays ago, and I made the unforgivable blunder of saying that she had lived in Concord, New Hampshire. It was a stupid blunder, and I want to apologize for it. It was so nice of you to take the time to write me. She responded I am sorry, Mr. Carnegie, that I wrote as I did. I took complete ownership of my mistake. She then said, “You know, I really like very much the way you have accepted my criticism. You must be a very nice person. I should like to know you better.” So, because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of view, she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view, I had the satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of returning kindness for an insult.
Principle 9 – Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
An Appeal That Everybody Likes
In order to change, people appeal to their nobler motives.
Story – Mr. Farrell a businessman, had a tenant who threatened to move. The tenant’s lease had four months to run; nevertheless, he served notice that he was vacating immediately. “These people had lived in my house all winter, and I knew it would be difficult to rent the apartment again before fall. Now, ordinarily, I would have waded into that tenant and advised him to read his lease again. I would have pointed out that if he moved, the full balance of his rent would fall due at once—and that I could, and would, move to collect. “However, I decided to try other tactics. So, I started like this: ‘Mr. Doe,’ I said, ‘I have listened to your story, and I still don’t believe you intend to move. Years in the renting business have taught me something about human nature, and I sized you up in the first place as being a man of your word. In fact, I’m so sure of it that I’m willing to take a gamble. I propose you take time to think it over. If you come back to me between now and the first of the month, when your rent is due, and tell me you still intend to move, I give you my word, I will accept your decision and will admit to myself, I’ve been wrong in my judgment. But I still believe you’re a man of your word and will live up to your contract. When the new month came around, this gentleman came to see me and paid his rent in person.
When John D. Rockefeller, Jr., wished to stop newspaper photographers from snapping pictures of his children, he too appealed to the nobler motives. He didn’t say: “I don’t want their pictures published.” No, he appealed to the desire, deep in all of us, to refrain from harming children. He said: “You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity.”
Principle 10 – Appeal to their nobler motives.
The Movies Do it. TV Does it. Why Don’t You Do it
Last week I called on a neighbourhood grocer and saw that the cash registers he was using at his checkout counters were very old-fashioned. I approached the owner and told him: ‘You are literally throwing away pennies every time a customer goes through your line.’ With that, I threw a handful of pennies on the floor. He quickly became more attentive. The mere words should have been of interest to him, but the sound of pennies hitting the floor really stopped him. I was able to get an order from him to replace all of his old machines.
Similarly, when a lover wants to propose to his sweetheart, does he use words alone? No. He goes down on his knees. To show he meant what he said.
Principle 11—Dramatize your ideas.
When Nothing Else Works Try This
Charles Schwab had a mill manager whose people weren’t producing their quota of work. The manager explained to Schwab that he has tried it all coaxed, pushed, sworn, cussed, threatened them with damnation and being fired. But nothing worked. Schwab asked for a chalk and, turning to the nearest man, asked: “How many heats did your shift make today?” “Six.” Schwab chalked a big figure six and walked away. When the night shift came on, they wondered what the six meant. There were told that the big boss was in today and that’s the count of how many heats were made in the morning shift. The next morning Schwab walked through the mill again. The night shift had rubbed out “6” and replaced it with a big “7.” When the day shift reported for work the next morning, they saw a big “7” chalked on the floor. So, the night shift thought they were better than the day shift did they? Well, they would show the night shift a thing or two. The crew pitched in with enthusiasm, and when they quit that night, they left behind them an enormous, swaggering “10.” Things were stepping up. Shortly this mill, which had been lagging way behind in production, was turning out more work than any other mill in the plant. The principle? “The way to get things done,” say Schwab, “is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”
Principle 12 – Throw Down a Challenge
IV – BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENSE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT
A leader’s job often includes changing people’s attitudes and behaviour. Some suggestions to accomplish this:
If You Must Find Fault, This Is The Way to Begin
It‘s always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. A barber lathers a man before he shaves.
Dorothy was a branch manager, and the head teller complained about the teller trainee that at the end of the day when she had to balance out, she was struggling. She was slow and she didn’t get it. The head teller suggested she should go. I observed her work throughout the day. I noticed she was working quickly and accurately and was pleasant with the customers. I went over to talk to her. I praised her for being so friendly and outgoing with the customers and complimented her for the accuracy and speed used in that work. I then suggested we review the procedure we use in balancing the cash drawer. Once she realized I had confidence in her, she easily followed my suggestions and soon mastered this function. We have had no problems with her since then.”
Principle 1 – Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
How To Criticize And Not Be Hated For It
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement.
For Example : In trying to change a child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, ““We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.” In this case, Johnnie would feel encouraged until he heard the word “but”. He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. We can overcome this issue by changing the but into an and. “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grades can be up with all others. Johnnie would now accept the praise because there is no follow-up of an inference or failure.
Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.
Principle 2 – An effective way to correct other’s mistakes is to call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
When my niece Josephine came to work to be my secretary, I wanted to correct her. One day when I started to criticize her, I said to myself: “Just a minute, Dale you are twice as old as Josephine. You have had ten thousand times as much business experience. How can you possibly expect her to have your viewpoint, your judgment, your initiative—mediocre though they may be? And just a minute, Dale, what were you doing at nineteen? Remember the mistakes and blunders you made? Remember the time you did this … and that … ?”
When I wanted to call Josephine’s attention to a mistake, I used to begin by saying, “You have made a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord knows it’s no worse than many I have made. You were not born with judgment. That comes only with experience, and you are better than I was at your age. I have been guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself, I have very little inclination to criticize you or anyone. But don’t you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?”
Principle 3—Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
No One Likes To Take Orders
A student once parked his car, blocking the entrance of the school’s shop. One of the instructors stormed into the class and asked in an arrogant tone, “Whose car is blocking the driveway? When the student who owned the car responded, the instructor screamed: “Move that car and move it right now, or I’ll wrap a chain around it and drag it out of there.” Although the student was wrong from that day on, not only did that student resent the instructor’s action, but all the students in the class did everything they could to give the instructor a hard time and make his job unpleasant. He could have handled it differently by asking, “Whose car is on the driveway?” and then suggested that if it were moved, other cars could get in and out. The student would have gladly moved it, and neither he nor his classmates would have been upset and resentful.
Principle 4 – Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Let The Other Person Save Face
An accounting firm always had to let go of its people after tax season. Usually, they would just sit each person down and say, Mr. Smith. The season is over, and we don’t have any more assignments for you. As you know, you were only hired for the busy season anyhow…
They then decided to let their seasonal personnel go with a little more tact and consideration. The manager called each one in only after carefully thinking over his or her work during the winter. He then said: ‘Mr. Smith, you’ve done a fine job (if he has). That time we sent you to Newark, you had a tough assignment. You were on the spot, but you came through with flying colors, and we want you to know the firm is proud of you. You have got the stuff and you are going a long way, wherever you are working. This firm believes in you, and is rooting for you, and we don’t want you to forget it.’ “Effect? The people go away feeling a lot better about being fired. They don’t feel ‘let down.’ They know if we had work for them, we’d keep them on.
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
Principle 5—Let the other person save face.
How to Spur People On To Success
When dogs are trained, the moment a dog showed the slightest improvement, they pat and praise and would give the dog a treat. Animal trainers have been using this technique; why don’t we use the same common sense when trying to change people? Why don’t we use a treat instead of a whip? Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation?
In the Nineteenth century, a young man in London aspired to be a writer. He had never been able to attend school for more than four years. His father had been flung into jail because he couldn’t pay his debts. He got a job pasting labels in a rat-infested warehouse. He slept at night in a dismal attic room with two other boys in the slums of London. He had so little confidence in his ability to write that he sneaked out and mailed his first manuscript in the dead of night so nobody would laugh at him. Story after story was refused. Finally, a day came when one was accepted. He wasn’t paid a shilling for it, but one editor had praised him and given him recognition. He was so thrilled that he wandered aimlessly around the streets with tears rolling down his cheeks. Getting one story in print changed his whole life, for if it hadn’t been for that encouragement, he might have spent his entire life working in rat-infested factories. You may have heard of that boy. His name was Charles Dickens.
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. To become a more effective leader of people, apply …
Principle 6—Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Give A Dog A Good Name
Georgette Leblanc, in her book Souvenirs, My Life with Maeterlinck, describes the startling transformation of a humble Belgian Cinderella. “A servant girl from a neighbouring hotel brought my meals,” she wrote. “She was called ‘Marie the Dish washer’ because she had started her career as a scullery assistant. She was a kind of monster, cross-eyed, bandy-legged, poor in flesh and spirit. “One day, while she was holding my plate of macaroni in her hand, I said to her, ‘Marie, you do not know what treasures are within you.’ “Accustomed to holding back her emotion, Marie waited a few moments, not daring to risk the slightest gesture for fear of a catastrophe. Then she put the dish on the table, sighed and said ingenuously, ‘Madame, I would never have believed it.’ She did not doubt, she did not ask a question. She simply went back to the kitchen and repeated what I had said, and such is the force of faith that no one made fun of her. From that day on, she was even given a certain consideration. But the most curious change of all occurred in the humble Marie herself. Believing she was the tabernacle of unseen marvels; she began taking care of her face and body so carefully that her starved youth seemed to bloom. “Two months later, she announced her coming marriage to the nephew of the chef. ‘I’m going to be a lady,’ she said and thanked me. A small phrase had changed her entire life.” Georgette Leblanc had given “Marie the Dishwasher” a reputation to live up to—and that reputation had transformed her.
On the first day of school, a fourth-grade teacher was given a class roster. When she saw Tommy’s name, her excitement and joy of starting a new term were tinged with anxiety. Tommy was the school’s notorious bad boy. He was not just mischievous; he caused serious discipline problems in the class, picked fights with the boys, teased the girls, and he seemed to get worse as he grew older. His only redeeming feature was his ability to learn rapidly and master schoolwork easily. Mrs. Hopkins decided to face the “Tommy problem” immediately. When she greeted her new students, she made little comments to each of them: “Rose, that’s a pretty dress you are wearing,” “Alicia, I hear you draw beautifully.” When she came to Tommy, she looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Tommy, I understand you are a natural leader. I’m going to depend on you to help me make this class the best class in the fourth grade this year.” She reinforced this over the first few days by complimenting Tommy on everything he did and commenting on how this showed what a good student he was. With that reputation to live up to, even a nine-year-old couldn’t let her down—and he didn’t.
Principle 7—Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Make The Fault Seem Easy To Correct
Ely Culbertson (whose books on bridge have been translated into a dozen languages and have sold more than a million copies) told me he never would have made a profession out of the game if a certain young woman hadn’t assured him he had a flair for it. When he came to America in 1922, he tried to get a job teaching philosophy and sociology, but he couldn’t. Then he tried selling coal, and he failed at that. Then he tried selling coffee, and he failed at that, too. He had played some bridge, but it had never occurred to him in those days that someday he would teach it. He was not only a poor card player, but he was also very stubborn. He asked so many questions and held so many post-mortem examinations that no one wanted to play with him. Then he met a pretty bridge teacher, Josephine Dillon, fell in love and married her. She noticed how carefully he analyzed his cards and persuaded him that he was a potential genius at the card table. It was that encouragement and that alone, that caused him to make a profession of bridge.
If you want to help others to improve, remember …
Principle 8—Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Making People Glad To Do What You Want
Childish? Perhaps. But that is what they said to Napoleon when he created the Legion of Honor and distributed 15,000 crosses to his soldiers and made eighteen of his generals “Marshals of France” and called his troops the “Grand Army.” Napoleon was criticized for giving “toys” to war-hardened veterans, and Napoleon replied, “Men are ruled by toys.” This technique of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon, and it will work for you. For example, a friend of mine, Mrs. Ernest Gent of Scarsdale, New York, was troubled by boys running across and destroying her lawn. She tried criticism. She tried coaxing. Neither worked. Then she tried giving the worst sinner in the gang a title and a feeling of authority. She made him her “detective” and put him in charge of keeping all trespassers off her lawn. That solved her problem. Her “detective” built a bonfire in the backyard, heated an iron red hot, and threatened to brand any boy who stepped on the lawn.
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behaviour: 1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person. 2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do. 3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants. 4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest. 5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants. 6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
Principle 9—Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
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