Breaking the Rescuer Habit: Ask ‘How Can I Help?’

Have you ever found yourself in the role of a mentor, mother, or manager, only to hear someone share their problem and—before you even realize it—you’re jumping in to solve it for them? With the best of intentions, you swoop in, eager to fix the issue, only to find yourself carrying the weight of their problem instead.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. I’ve done this more times than I can count. I’ve always thought I was helping, but I never quite understood why this habit felt so draining until I picked up Michael Bungay Stanier’s book, The Coaching Habit.

To understand this, let’s take a quick look at the concept of the “drama triangle.” It’s a framework that explains the roles we often take on in life. In our interactions, we unconsciously adopt one of three roles: the Rescuer, the Victim, or the Persecutor. We cycle through all three, sometimes in the span of a single day or even a single conversation. The one role that most of us take on is the role of a Rescuer. Although this role sounds noble, it is as dysfunctional as the other roles. By being rescuers, we create more victims. When we jump into “rescuer mode,” we take on the responsibility of solving others’ problems, often without their input. This can lead to unintended consequences:

• We inadvertently strip others of their agency.
• We shoulder stress that isn’t ours to bear.
• The worst of all? They may not even like our solution.

Recognizing the dynamics of the drama triangle is the first step. The next is adopting a question that shifts us out of the Rescuer role and into an empowering one.

The Power Question: “How Can I Help?”

Here are three key reasons why this simple question is transformative:

1. It Empowers Others This question creates space for them to articulate their specific problem or need. By asking, we invite collaboration and demonstrate respect for the other person’s autonomy. It shifts the ownership of the problem back to them, empowering them to take control of their situation.
2. It Builds Trust When we ask, “How can I help?” instead of assuming what’s best, we foster mutual respect and trust. It signals that we trust their ability to identify what kind of support will be most helpful.
3. It Prevents Overstepping and Burnout By seeking guidance on how to help, we avoid wasting time and effort on solutions that may not be relevant or welcomed. This approach keeps us in the role of a supporter rather than a fixer, ensuring our involvement is both welcomed and appropriate. It also prevents us from carrying the emotional weight of problems that aren’t ours to solve, allowing us to contribute without overextending ourselves.

Reflect and Act

Before you jump in, ask yourself:

• Am I trying to fix this for them, or am I empowering them to find their own solution?
• How can I help in a way that truly serves them?

Practical Steps to Integrate This Question

1. Pause Before Responding: When someone shares a problem, resist the urge to jump in with advice or solutions. Instead, listen fully. Ask clarifying questions to understand the situation better. Then ask, “How can I help?” or “What do you want from me?”
2. Embrace the Response: Be open to their answer—even if it’s not what you expected. Sometimes, they may only need someone to listen or validate their feelings.
3. Practice Active Listening: Pay attention to their words, tone, and emotions. Reflect back what you’re hearing to ensure you’ve understood correctly.

In Practice

• When a friend shares their struggles, instead of offering advice right away, ask, “How can I help?”
• When a team member faces challenges, use this question to understand how to support their professional growth.
• With your children, this question can teach them to think critically about their needs and how to seek support effectively.

Your Turn

Think about your own relationships—as a parent, mentor, manager, or friend. How often do you assume what others need instead of asking them directly? How might this simple question transform your interactions?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Have you tried asking, “How can I help?” What impact did it have? Share your story in the comments below!