The Disease to Please: Breaking Free from the Approval Trap

Have you ever found yourself exhausted from saying “yes” to everything yet feeling like you’re not doing enough? You’re not alone. According to research by the American Psychological Association, over 53% of women exhibit significant people-pleasing behaviours that negatively impact their well-being.

My Struggle

I don’t know about you, but this was a huge problem for me and it still is to a decent amount. What is the problem you ask? The disease to please.

I was a chronic people-pleaser, and because of that, I constantly struggled because I wanted people to like me. I craved acceptance so much that I would bend over backwards to please others, then be upset when, even after all the pleasing I did, it still wasn’t enough for some. How could they have problems with me when I was basically dancing to their tunes? There were times they asked more from me, and unable to say no, I was caught up in this vicious cycle.

The Wisdom of Grandma Lily

There’s a story my grandma Lily told me that I still remember. I wish I could recall the context in which she narrated this fable for me, but the lesson remains clear.

The fable goes like this: A man was travelling on a hot summer day with his donkey. A bystander said, “It’s so hot! Why can’t you walk and give the donkey a break?” He took the advice and decided to walk alongside the donkey. A little while later, another bystander said, “What a fool! It’s such a hot day. Who in their right mind would walk when they have a donkey with them?” Doomed if you did, doomed if you didn’t. How many of us can relate to this story? I couldn’t help but think that Grandma Lily spotted a people pleaser in me and felt compelled to share this wisdom.

The Universal Truth About Pleasing Others

Whatever the reason, there’s a powerful lesson to be learned: We cannot please all people at all times. We can’t even please the same person at all times. The human mind is too unpredictable and too complex.

One of the single biggest challenges women in general face is this disease to please. Whether it stems from our nature or societal conditioning, people-pleasing is an issue most women encounter at some point in their lives.

Why Do We As Women Love to Please?

The answer is probably a combination of factors:

• The effort you put into being helpful and putting others first makes you feel like a good person.
• Pleasing gives women an opportunity to use their nurturing and intuitive strengths – these include sensitivity to human interaction and a gift for noticing when others are upset, worried, frightened, or tuned out.
• Research shows that girls are more likely to be rewarded for being obedient, agreeable, helpful to others, and “nice” at home and at school.
• Even senior-level women tend to be most highly rewarded at work when they fulfill expectations and act in ways others find pleasing rather than when they act boldly or assert independent views.

How Do You Know You’re a People Pleaser?

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you routinely say yes to tasks and jobs you know will consume your time but bring you little benefit and fall completely outside your purpose?
2. Do you spend hours commiserating with people who enjoy complaining and then wonder what you do to attract them?
3. Do you get enmeshed with colleagues with a knack for creating dramas whom others seem to skillfully avoid?
4. Do you resolve to keep away from toxic people but end up getting sucked into their orbit anyway?

The Detrimental Effects of People Pleasing

People-pleasing isn’t just exhausting—it’s harmful in multiple ways:

• It undermines your ability to make clear decisions because you’re always trying to split the difference among competing needs.
• It can impair your judgment and leave you vulnerable to manipulation by people who know how to use guilt.
• It robs you of the capacity to act with authority for fear of disappointing others.
• It can make you an unreliable advocate or ally because you are so easily swayed.
• It distracts you from your purpose, squanders your time and talents, and contributes to general burnout.

Breaking Free: How to Get Out of the Rut

At Work

1. Set clear expectations: When you’re in charge of people, clarity is kindness. If you try pleasing everyone, you end up pleasing no one. Deliver your vision and expectations clearly to the team.
2. Help only when asked: Don’t own others’ problems. Let them develop their problem-solving muscles. When someone comes to you with an issue, try responding with: “That’s a challenging situation. What solutions have you considered so far?”
3. Respect others’ pace: Our passion for helping others grow can sometimes lead us to drag people along with us, thinking we’re helping. Recognize that people may be in different seasons of life and want to take things at their own pace.

At Home

• Separate guilt from decision-making: Working mothers often deal with significant guilt. Don’t let this guilt drive you to say yes to every demand from your children. Instead, be fully present when you are with them, and be honest about your limitations.

With Society

• Set Boundaries with Grace – Saying “no” doesn’t mean being unkind. Try: “I’d love to help, but I can’t commit to this right now.”
• Get Comfortable with Discomfort – Not everyone will be happy with your boundaries, and that’s okay.
• Accept that you cannot control what others think of you.
• Understand and be okay with people’s gossip or judgments about you.
• Remember that those who judge you most harshly are often struggling with their own insecurities.

With Yourself

• Reflect on your motivations: Is your habit of taking on too much rooted in your need to feel indispensable? Or do you genuinely want to be helpful?
• Reflection exercise: Take 5 minutes to write down the last five times you said “yes” when you wanted to say “no.” What patterns do you notice? What fears were driving those decisions?
• Make a list of things you do and see how they fit your job description or personal priorities. If they don’t align, start pushing back.

Reclaiming Your Purpose

I keep reminding myself that my primary purpose in life isn’t to please everyone else. I need to make time for what is important to me and my family as opposed to what other people seem to value. This shift wasn’t easy, and I still catch myself slipping into old patterns. But with practice, saying “no” becomes easier, and the freedom that comes with it is worth every uncomfortable moment.

Your Turn

What’s one small step you can take today to break free from the disease to please? Perhaps it’s saying no to one request or setting aside time for something that matters to you. Share your commitment in the comments—I’d love to hear how you’re reclaiming your time and energy.

Remember: Every time you say no to something that doesn’t serve your purpose, you now have an opportunity to say yes to what truly matters to you.

Reference : How Women Rise – Chapter 12 – Habit 8 : The Disease to Please