Thinking in Pictures, Speaking in Words: Bridging the Communication Gap

Have you ever felt misunderstood by your partner? Communication is a fundamental aspect of any relationship, but it’s not always straightforward. Often, there’s a gap between what we think (the pictures in our minds) and what we say (our words). This discrepancy can lead to misunderstandings and frustrations, especially in close relationships like marriage.

Personal Story

When my husband turned 40, I threw a surprise party for him. It was a joyous occasion, and he loved it. Naturally, when my birthday was approaching, I told him, ‘please, no party for me.’ What I meant was, ‘I don’t want you to invite a bunch of friends to my birthday.’ When my birthday came along, he went to work, and my sons went camping. I was shocked and hurt that everyone did their own thing. When I questioned it, they said, ‘you mentioned no party.’ Yes, I did say no party, but what I didn’t say was that you all have to make your plans. I learned my lesson: we may mean something, but people may hear it as something completely different.

The Gap Between Words and Pictures

This experience made me realize that there’s always a discrepancy between what we say (words) and what we mean (pictures in our minds). This gap can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of being unheard or unappreciated. I recently listened to an old episode of the Christy Wright Show, where Dr. John Delaney mentioned that we could solve most marriage dysfunctions with this simple insight: we think in pictures and speak in words.

Everyday Misunderstandings

Consider a common scenario: your spouse asks you, ‘what would you like to do this weekend?’ You might respond with, ‘I am going to chill.’ What does ‘chill’ mean to you? It might mean lounging on the couch with a good book or binge-watching your favorite show. However, your spouse might interpret ‘chill’ as an invitation to spend quality time together, perhaps going out for a hike or visiting friends. These small misunderstandings can add up over time.

Bridging the Communication Gap

So, how can we bridge this gap between our words and the pictures in our minds? Here are some tips:

1. Be Explicit: Don’t assume that the other person knows what you mean. Spell it out. Instead of saying, “no party,” you might say, “I would love to spend a quiet day with just the family, maybe go for a walk or have a small dinner.”
2. Ask for Clarification: If you’re unsure about what your spouse means, ask. “When you say chill, do you mean at home or going out somewhere?”
3. Share Your Picture: Describe your mental picture. “When I say rest and relax, I mean I’ll clean up the house first, then we can watch a movie together.”
4. Repeat what You Heard: Show that you’re listening by repeating back what you heard in your own words. “So, you mean you’d like a quiet birthday with just us, no big party?”
5. Create Clarity with Visual Tools: Sometimes, it helps to show rather than tell. Create a shared calendar, make a to-do list together, or even draw out your plans.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shaw

Conclusion

Understanding the gap between our words and the pictures in our minds can significantly improve communication in our relationships. It takes practice and patience, but the results are well worth it. By being explicit, asking for clarification, sharing our mental pictures, and using visual tools, we can bridge this gap and strengthen our connections. How about you? Do you often say something but mean something completely different? How do you communicate your intentions and expectations to others? What strategies can you adopt to minimize these gaps in communication? Let’s start a conversation and share our experiences in the comments below.