Are You a Gossiper, Bore, or Brilliant Conversationalist?

I have a friend who is a brilliant conversationalist.

One thing I noticed about her was that people would come and pour their hearts out to her. She didn’t give much advice, but she always listened. Her goal was not to prescribe any solution but to give them her full attention. I absolutely admired this quality of hers. Never once would she take the story that others are sharing and make it a me-too moment.

Think about the conversations we all have. A friend is excited to share about her vacation to Italy, and as she is narrating her story, you jump in and say, “You won’t believe what happened when we went to Italy.” Now, the story is no longer about your friend—it’s about you. You have flipped the script and made it about yourself.

If you’re more like my friend, who listens rather than the one who jumps in and makes it all about them, then this blog is not for you. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve made the conversations about me and not about others.

Training Myself to Listen

I have trained myself to listen more, but I often take over and excitedly share what I did or how I would solve things.

I love this quote by Lisa Kirk:

“A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”

What Kind of Conversationalist Are You?

1. Gossiper – loves to talk about others.

If you are always connecting with a friend by talking about an absent person, especially if it’s about their mistakes or flaws, you need to change. You’re no longer connecting with the right intentions. If you have nothing good to say about the absent person, you shouldn’t talk about them. This is a cheap way of connecting.

How does a gossiper start the conversation? “Did you hear what she did last week?”

2. Bore – loves to talk about themselves.

These are people who focus on themselves. They worry about how they look and how others perceive them. They seek attention and see things only from their own perspective. As a result, you dread interacting with them.

If you belong to this category, you need to get over yourself. We all, by nature, are full of ourselves. Our goal should be to shift from a self-centered mindset to an others-centered mindset. Realize that you are not the main point. You are not the main attraction. The more you make it about yourself, the more people will move away from you.

How does a bore start the conversation? “So, let me tell you all about my weekend.”

3. Brilliant Conversationalist – loves to talk to you about you.

These are people who focus on others. Their goal is to connect. They see things from others’ perspectives and create significance in conversation.

So often, we get hurt, and in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt, we put others in their place. We build walls instead of bridges. Don’t put others in their place—put yourself in their place. Try to understand them as much as possible, put yourself in their place, and always give them the benefit of the doubt.

People are interested in the person who is interested in them. Instead of saying, “Here I am,” a brilliant conversationalist says, “There you are.” They are genuinely interested in others and deeply care. During a conversation, when the ball lands in their court, they gently pass it back to you so you can talk about your life. They are fully present and super engaged in the conversation. They believe the best in people and don’t let past hurts dictate their future relationships.

How does a brilliant conversationalist start their conversation? “Tell me more about your story! What inspired you to do that?”

Which One Are You?

Let’s strive to be the kind of people who listen, ask, and care! Let’s remember the quote from Lisa Kirk:

“A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”

We all have moments where we might be the gossiper or the bore, but it’s never too late to shift toward becoming someone who brings out the best in others by making conversations less about us and more about them. Imagine the transformation in your relationships and the ripple effect it can have on your inner circle, your community, and even yourself.